Episode 3: There and Back Again

Emotion Brain sat slumped in her chair, head in hands.
“Wow, Emo, you look whacked!” Said Fun Brain, concernedly. “What’s up? Has the Human been causing more paperwork?”
Emotion Brain groaned softly, and spoke without raising her head. “It’s this flooding business. It was bad enough when the BBC told us that there was a chance Oxford would be flooded; the Sympathetic Nervous System chaps were rushing around like manic rabbits, and the overtime requests just mounted up. But now she’s found out that the trains back to Wales are all screwed up, and they’ve really had to go into overdrive. Turns out that the only way out of Oxford is on a bus…”
Clever Brain gasped; Emotion Brain looked up and nodded sombrely; “That’s right. You know how the Human is about buses. The ANS is on permanent red alert, and it’s really stretching our resources. I’m not sure how much longer she’ll hold.”
“You know,” said Tech Brain, “I could try distracting her with the internet. Or perhaps there’s CSI or something on TV.”
“Yeah, great – lots of dead bodies. With our luck, they’d all be victims of a coach crash.”
“And no internet either,” added Fun Brain. “The broadbean went down last week, remember.”
“Broadband.” Tech Brain corrected, wearily. “You know full well that it’s broadband. You just love tormenting me. Like that time you persuaded the Human that she could buy a blueberry instead of a mobile phone.”
Fun Brain giggled. “It’s good for her to be amusing occasionally. She’s so terribly boring when she’s being right.”
Adult Brain rushed in. “I think we’ve solved the problem,” she said. “I’ve persuaded the Human that she should really do the washing-up before she leaves. She’s always happier when she cleans something. And I spoke to the Frontal Cortex gnomes; they’ve agreed to have an early night, so she should be getting sleepy sometime soon.”
“In that case,” said Clever Brain, “I think we should all get some rest too. It’s going to be a long day.”

***

Four days later, the Brains were congratulating themselves on a very successful trip to Wales and back. Emotion Brain was slightly overwhelmed by the Human’s exposure to so many old friends, not to mention her ex’s rather lovely fiancée, while Tech Brain was itching to get back in front of a computer.
“The Maternal Human is a wonderful person,” he said, “but she has no Tech Brain. How can that be?”
“It’s a generational thing, I think.” Adult Brain told him. “She has a very good Writing Brain.”
Tech Brain snorted derisively, and returned to Facebook, where he had recently discovered the possibility of playing online Scrabble. Clever Brain was delighted by this, and had completely abandoned all her academic pursuits in favour of word games.
“You really should let up on the Scrabble, guys,” Adult Brain warned them. “The Human’s becoming obsessive about it.”
“Fy!” said Clever Brain, in disgust.
“That’s all well and good, but she really does need to think about other things occasionally. Like the washing-up. You’re not being very sensible.”
“Ch am, ya zo!” Clever Brain retorted.
Adult Brain looked bemused; “What’s she on about, Tech?”
“She’s speaking in acceptable two-letter words, of course. It’s good practice.”
“Well, enough of that now,” Fun Brain announced. “We’re off to the pub.”

***

“I really didn’t expect this.” Fun Brain sighed.
“It’s not your fault, Fun.” Emotion Brain told her.
“Absolutely,” said Adult Brain. “How could you know that the Royal Oak has a Scrabble Board?”
“It’s not so bad”, Knickers Brain contributed. “After all, one does have to sit VERY close to one’s teammate in order to discuss one’s next move.”
“And what’s your excuse for making her play footsie with James, Knickers?”
“Distracts him – throws him off his game.”
“Right. Because that’s obviously really working,” Clever Brain said sarcastically. “We’re being spanked!”
“You must admit your fundamental inferiority, and submit to me,” boomed a strange voice. Clever Brain whirled around in surprise, to see a tall, muscular, strangely familiar figure looking at her with disdain.
“Who the frack are you? And how did you get in here? Answer me, or face the consequences.”
The figure laughed.“Consequences? You and whose army?” He looked pointedly over her shoulder. Following his gaze, Clever saw her fellow Brains cowering behind a table. Fun Brain had passed out, and Emotion Brain was shaking like a cartoon jelly.
“For the love of… Guys! We can take this joker!” she pleaded with them.
“No damn way!” Said Tech Brain. “Don’t you recognise him?”
“He does look familiar… Wait! My God! It’s Rainier Wolfcastle!”
The stranger sighed. “Those bloody Simpsons! I am always mistaken for my cartoon double. I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! Tremble with awe, puny creature!”
“I see. But that doesn’t explain what you’re doing here.”
“You are very slow. I am James’s Clever Brain. I have become so mighty and well-developed that I now have the form of everyone’s favourite action hero. I appear before you as a fully interactional hologram, created by James’s astonishing cerebral ability.”
“Bloody hell.” Clever Brain’s shoulders sagged. “I suppose I should have known not to mess with him after seeing him on Countdown.”
“We will allow you to finish the game,” Arnold told her. “On the condition that you acknowledge our human’s evident superiority.”
“It’s a deal. I will make sure that the Countdown video reaches the widest possible audience, and will extol James’s Scrabble skills to everyone I meet. Will that do?”
“Affirmative.” The Arnold-hologram flickered and disappeared.
The Brains slowly came out from their hiding place to console Clever Brain.
“That was quite an experience,” said Adult Brain. “We’re going to have to be careful with James, I think.”
“Not too careful, though,” Knickers Brain added. “It wouldn’t be all bad if Arnold felt the need to come back and chastise us…”

***

Next time: Adult Brain forces the Human to tidy her flat, and Clever Brain gets back to the Library.