Tech Brain Speaks

Hello, again. Living with my Human, I have become rather accustomed to irrationality and strange behaviour. So it's not often that anything strikes me as really crazy anymore.

But then, I saw this article. Apparently, the Chinese government has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without permission.

Suddenly, being afraid of taxis, chanting and clowns seems like perfectly normal behaviour.

Episode 4: A Spoonful of Sugar

“Wow! It feels like ages since we were here…” whispered Emotion Brain. “I can almost feel the Nostalgia Gnomes waking up.”
“I know,” said Clever Brain disapprovingly. “It’s been far too long. At this rate, she’ll still be ‘Ms’ when she’s 80.”
“Oh, that wouldn’t do,” Knickers Brain gasped. “I’m looking forward to the effect that ‘Dr.’ will have on people…”
“I wouldn’t hope too much, Knickers – clever women aren’t anyone’s idea of a good time,” Clever Brain warned her.
“But what about Carol Vorderman?” Knickers asked in astonishment. “I thought she was a major sex symbol.”
“You’ve been spending too much time with James! Anyway, will you all go away and let me get to work? I really need the Human to concentrate, which is impossible if she’s having sexual fantasies about random mathematicians. The library really isn’t the place for that kind of thing.”
“You might be surprised…” Knickers Brain smirked.

***

Adult Brain was despondent. The other Brains had noticed her listlessness and air of general disgust with life, and were speculating as to its cause.
“Did I forget to colour-code the rotas again?” asked Knickers Brain. “You know how annoyed she gets about that. Or maybe I didn’t include Indigo…”
“Indigo?” asked Fun Brain.
“Sixth colour of the rainbow,” Clever Brain informed her. “The Human likes things to be colour coded in the order of the rainbow. And she gets pretty irate when people forget Indigo.”
“Anyway, it isn’t that,” Tech Brain assured them. “I installed a program to check for inaccurate ordering of colours, and everything’s been running pretty smoothly since. Perhaps Adult’s annoyed at the amount of time the Human’s spending with the fun people.”
“It’s true she’s seen a lot of James and Julia recently,” said Fun Brain, “and I admit I encourage her in it. But Adult doesn’t really dislike them. Even she has to see the benefits in making sure the Human fills her laughing quota.”
“And there are other benefits, of course…” added Knickers Brain.
“Yes, we all know about your penchant for them,” Fun Brain winked at her. “Not to mention your penchant for Dan, and Nick, and Greg…”
“And anything with two legs, really,” Clever Brain concluded.
“Not so. I’m actually quite picky. Not my fault if I’m endowed with a human with remarkably attractive friends, is it?”
“Pleasant as this is, it doesn’t get us any closer to finding out what’s wrong with Adult,” Clever Brain pointed out.
“Actually,” said a voice from the corner, “if you really want to know, it’s all this bloody MESS.”
They all turned to look at Adult Brain, who had risen from the catatonic heap in which they’d left her and was looking wild-eyed and dishevelled.
“I’m at my wits’ end. The Human is just incapable of keeping tidy for more than five minutes unless I keep a constant hold on her, and recently you guys have all had your own agendas. I haven’t been allowed near the controls for ages. Tech, you’ve been making her spend all this time reading sci-fi, and Clever, you’ve had her getting the odd bit of work done. And as for you, Fun Brain…”
Fun Brain looked sheepish. “It’s true that I’ve been nudging her towards having a social life. But it’s very good for her. Remember what 2004 was like, when she lived in St. John’s? She spent all her time in her room, listening to audiobooks and devising ways to cook with only a kettle. It was maddening. Knickers Brain had to go on one of her holidays, and I was reduced to finding enjoyment in watching series after series of NYPD Blue.”
“But she was TIDY!” Adult Brain wailed. “And she did her work sensibly and went to classes and had wonderful colour-coded work timetables and got her degree. It was bliss. A golden age.”
“Well, excuse me if I prefer her when she’s not an eremitical nutcase.” Fun Brain disappeared in a sulk.
“I tell you what, Adult. Let’s make a deal,” Clever Brain suggested. “If you let us take the Human out to the pub tonight, we’ll all make a concerted effort to produce some tidying tomorrow.”
Adult Brain looked unconvinced. “You say that now, but you’ll let her stay up late again tonight, and tomorrow will be a write-off for any sensible activity. She’s not been well; she should have an early night with a mug of Horlicks if we’re going to do anything productive with her.”

Unfortunately for Adult Brain, as they’d been talking, Fun Brain had snuck off to the Motor Department, and the walk to the pub had already begun.

***

“Well, this is nice,” said Knickers Brain, lying back contentedly on her chaise-longue. “The Human’s surrounded by wonderfully beautiful people, and the conversation is making its usual descent into the gutter.”
“And in the gaps, Joe and James are talking about maths!” Tech Brain exclaimed. “Did you know that the prime number 91 is a factor of seven?”
“Bloody hell, she’s had alcohol, hasn’t she?” asked Adult Brain in despair. “Tech’s gone all squiffy.”
“The odd one won’t hurt,” said Emotion Brain. “And Dan’s here, anyway. She’ll stay sensible enough as long as he’s around.”
Fun Brain giggled; “Yeah, right! You idealise the poor boy.”
“Perhaps,” said Emotion Brain. “But at least she doesn’t flirt so outrageously with him… causes no end of paperwork, does that. The Eye Department alone…”
“Eye Department?” asked Fun Brain in bemusement.
“Oh yes – form BQ41z for excess pupil enlargement and BQ52k for eyelid fluttering. And that’s just the start of it.”
“You look exhausted at the mere thought, Emo. Perhaps we sh…” Fun Brain halted mid-sentence as a tremor ran through the room. “What the heck was that?”
“Oh shit…” said Emotion Brain. “I don’t know where it’s coming from, but the Human’s getting a massage…”
And, one by one, the Brains fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.

Tech Brain Speaks

Occasionally, I take time out from a busy schedule running my Human's life (or, at least, its more important aspects), and I have decided to use some of this precious free time to share a couple of oddities with you.

Firstly, take a look at this. (You might want to turn down the volume on your computer and remove any sensitive relatives or pets from the room.)

And secondly, consider an extract from the rules of a fanfiction site I visited today. Amongst those things that are banned are:

2a) Explicit sexual content in fan fiction. 2b) References in fan fiction to sexual activity between partners who are not married to each other UNLESS the participants are later punished by events, which may include murder.

Wow. And I thought my Human was crazy.

Ciao for now,

Tech Brain.

Episode 3: There and Back Again

Emotion Brain sat slumped in her chair, head in hands.
“Wow, Emo, you look whacked!” Said Fun Brain, concernedly. “What’s up? Has the Human been causing more paperwork?”
Emotion Brain groaned softly, and spoke without raising her head. “It’s this flooding business. It was bad enough when the BBC told us that there was a chance Oxford would be flooded; the Sympathetic Nervous System chaps were rushing around like manic rabbits, and the overtime requests just mounted up. But now she’s found out that the trains back to Wales are all screwed up, and they’ve really had to go into overdrive. Turns out that the only way out of Oxford is on a bus…”
Clever Brain gasped; Emotion Brain looked up and nodded sombrely; “That’s right. You know how the Human is about buses. The ANS is on permanent red alert, and it’s really stretching our resources. I’m not sure how much longer she’ll hold.”
“You know,” said Tech Brain, “I could try distracting her with the internet. Or perhaps there’s CSI or something on TV.”
“Yeah, great – lots of dead bodies. With our luck, they’d all be victims of a coach crash.”
“And no internet either,” added Fun Brain. “The broadbean went down last week, remember.”
“Broadband.” Tech Brain corrected, wearily. “You know full well that it’s broadband. You just love tormenting me. Like that time you persuaded the Human that she could buy a blueberry instead of a mobile phone.”
Fun Brain giggled. “It’s good for her to be amusing occasionally. She’s so terribly boring when she’s being right.”
Adult Brain rushed in. “I think we’ve solved the problem,” she said. “I’ve persuaded the Human that she should really do the washing-up before she leaves. She’s always happier when she cleans something. And I spoke to the Frontal Cortex gnomes; they’ve agreed to have an early night, so she should be getting sleepy sometime soon.”
“In that case,” said Clever Brain, “I think we should all get some rest too. It’s going to be a long day.”

***

Four days later, the Brains were congratulating themselves on a very successful trip to Wales and back. Emotion Brain was slightly overwhelmed by the Human’s exposure to so many old friends, not to mention her ex’s rather lovely fiancée, while Tech Brain was itching to get back in front of a computer.
“The Maternal Human is a wonderful person,” he said, “but she has no Tech Brain. How can that be?”
“It’s a generational thing, I think.” Adult Brain told him. “She has a very good Writing Brain.”
Tech Brain snorted derisively, and returned to Facebook, where he had recently discovered the possibility of playing online Scrabble. Clever Brain was delighted by this, and had completely abandoned all her academic pursuits in favour of word games.
“You really should let up on the Scrabble, guys,” Adult Brain warned them. “The Human’s becoming obsessive about it.”
“Fy!” said Clever Brain, in disgust.
“That’s all well and good, but she really does need to think about other things occasionally. Like the washing-up. You’re not being very sensible.”
“Ch am, ya zo!” Clever Brain retorted.
Adult Brain looked bemused; “What’s she on about, Tech?”
“She’s speaking in acceptable two-letter words, of course. It’s good practice.”
“Well, enough of that now,” Fun Brain announced. “We’re off to the pub.”

***

“I really didn’t expect this.” Fun Brain sighed.
“It’s not your fault, Fun.” Emotion Brain told her.
“Absolutely,” said Adult Brain. “How could you know that the Royal Oak has a Scrabble Board?”
“It’s not so bad”, Knickers Brain contributed. “After all, one does have to sit VERY close to one’s teammate in order to discuss one’s next move.”
“And what’s your excuse for making her play footsie with James, Knickers?”
“Distracts him – throws him off his game.”
“Right. Because that’s obviously really working,” Clever Brain said sarcastically. “We’re being spanked!”
“You must admit your fundamental inferiority, and submit to me,” boomed a strange voice. Clever Brain whirled around in surprise, to see a tall, muscular, strangely familiar figure looking at her with disdain.
“Who the frack are you? And how did you get in here? Answer me, or face the consequences.”
The figure laughed.“Consequences? You and whose army?” He looked pointedly over her shoulder. Following his gaze, Clever saw her fellow Brains cowering behind a table. Fun Brain had passed out, and Emotion Brain was shaking like a cartoon jelly.
“For the love of… Guys! We can take this joker!” she pleaded with them.
“No damn way!” Said Tech Brain. “Don’t you recognise him?”
“He does look familiar… Wait! My God! It’s Rainier Wolfcastle!”
The stranger sighed. “Those bloody Simpsons! I am always mistaken for my cartoon double. I am Arnold Schwarzenegger! Tremble with awe, puny creature!”
“I see. But that doesn’t explain what you’re doing here.”
“You are very slow. I am James’s Clever Brain. I have become so mighty and well-developed that I now have the form of everyone’s favourite action hero. I appear before you as a fully interactional hologram, created by James’s astonishing cerebral ability.”
“Bloody hell.” Clever Brain’s shoulders sagged. “I suppose I should have known not to mess with him after seeing him on Countdown.”
“We will allow you to finish the game,” Arnold told her. “On the condition that you acknowledge our human’s evident superiority.”
“It’s a deal. I will make sure that the Countdown video reaches the widest possible audience, and will extol James’s Scrabble skills to everyone I meet. Will that do?”
“Affirmative.” The Arnold-hologram flickered and disappeared.
The Brains slowly came out from their hiding place to console Clever Brain.
“That was quite an experience,” said Adult Brain. “We’re going to have to be careful with James, I think.”
“Not too careful, though,” Knickers Brain added. “It wouldn’t be all bad if Arnold felt the need to come back and chastise us…”

***

Next time: Adult Brain forces the Human to tidy her flat, and Clever Brain gets back to the Library.

Episode 2: Playing With Yourself

It was unseasonably wet, and much of Southern England had ground to a halt as a result of serious flooding. Central Oxford has escaped the worst, but was still a damp and dreary sight that late July. The rain came in sporadic bursts, made even more unpleasant by the warmish temperature which turned everything moist. And not in a good way.

“I’m glad that’s over”, said Emotion Brain. “I seriously thought she was going to get hysterical in the middle of the Woodstock Road.”
“She did have some reason for it – a bus service that’s meant to run every 15 minutes shouldn’t leave you standing for nearly an hour”, said Adult Brain in her usual reasonable tone.
“Especially not when there’s noodles and chicken satay waiting!” added Fun Brain. “Cruel bastards.”
“It’s lucky that Julia was there,” said Emotion Brain. “She has some special knack of cheering the Human up.”
“She cheers me up, too.” Knickers Brain murmured. “As do James and Greg. What a lovely dinner it was.”
“Calm down, Knickers. We need to concentrate on the film”, Emotion Brain warned her. “And I can’t see that even you can find any objects of desire in The Simpsons.”
“Well,” she mused, “Mrs. Krabappel’s not half bad…”

***

The film was, of course, a resounding success. Clever Brain had fun explaining the jokes to Pietro, Fun Brain nearly wet herself several times and finally had to be put to bed with an ice-pack, Knickers Brain enjoyed the close proximity which only a cinema seat can give, and Emotion Brain was overwhelmed by just how damn happy everyone was. Even Adult Brain let her hair down for an hour. It was only afterwards, as the Human wended her way home chatting to James, that they noticed a conspicuous absence.

“Where’s Tech?” asked Adult Brain.
“That’s a good point”, said Knickers Brain. “I haven’t seen him for ages. What’s he up to?”
“I saw him earlier, somewhere around Broca’s area, I think”, Emotion Brain contributed. “I was, yet again, dealing with excess swear-word requisitions at the Language Department. That incident with the stubbed toe took us well over the acceptable limits.”
Clever Brain volunteered to go and search for their missing colleague. “I like the Language Department Gnomes”, she admitted. “They tell me very useful things. Did you know, for example, that the collective noun for vaginas…”
“…it’s “a clutch”, surely?” said Knickers Brain with a twinkle in her eye.

***

Clever Brain was visibly shaken when she returned. Emotion Brain sat her down and made her a strong cup of hot chocolate, with more than a small dash of Amaretto, while the others gathered around and listened to her story.

“I wandered around for a bit, chatting to the Language Gnomes”, she told them. “They said that Tech’s been spending a lot of time in the Reading Department, and I went there to see if I could find him. The door was locked; he must have been intending to keep the Gnomes out, but I let myself in with my master key. It was creepy. He’d knocked out the Reading Elves somehow; they were all curled up, snoring. And when I got to the inner office, I saw what he’d done. The computers are all rewired, and Tech had this wild look in his eyes. I asked him what was going on…
“I’m sick of all these crappy detective novels the Human’s reading”, he said. “Either they’re set in medieval times where the most technological thing in sight is a sheep, or they’re modern but full of incompetents who can’t work their cellphone and get their forensic computing done by nerds who are never even acknowledged by name. It’s just killing me! I need some proper books, where computers are gods and the techie is the superhero.”
He was almost in tears by this point. It’s obviously really been getting to him.”
“Poor love”, Emotion Brain murmured. “If only I’d been more attentive, instead of spending all my time on the swearing forms.”
“So, what’s he done to the Reading Department computers, then, Clever?” Adult Brain asked.
“He’s reconfigured them, so that the signals they send the Human are to read nothing that doesn’t have a high technology content. There are posters of Jean-Luc Picard and Sergei Brin all over the walls, he’s changed the doormat for one that says “There’s no place like 127.0.0.1”, and the Charles Dickens codec has been completely disabled. Not permanently, I hope, but I’m not sure.”
“I guess that explains why the Human’s been reading so much sci-fi recently”, Fun Brain offered.
“That’s true – she’s even talking about writing a book about it. My God – how could I not have noticed that something was off?” Clever Brain put her head in her hands.
Adult Brain looked thoughtful. “Let’s not be too hasty about this”, she said. “After all, it’s not often that an academic comes up with an idea for a project that people will actually want to read. It might even sell.”
“God forbid!” said Clever Brain. “That would throw academia into complete anarchy and break all the established rules of the universe. Tech may have precipitated the End of Days with his meddling…” Her head fell on the table, and she was silent.
“Oh dear”, said Emotion Brain, rushing to help her unconscious friend into bed. “She’s a little overwrought, I think. When she wakes up, we’ll give her a Sudoku to do and she’ll be right as rain. And now”, she added, “we’d better be off. I’ve just heard from the Nervous System bods that Tech is on his way to the Eating Department, and he’s planning to rewire the whole place to accept only cold pizza, Pop Tarts and caffeine drinks…”

***

Next time… A trip to Wales, and the Human discovers Scrabble

Episode 1: An Old Friend

“I’m bored”, Fun Brain announced. “In fact, I’ve been bored since we finished reading that thriller about the two twins.”
“Two twins?” Tech Brain looked supercilious in anticipation.
“Yeah, the woman had two twins, but one of them was a secret and she turned out to be hidden in a bunker in the desert, and...”
“Last time I checked, one twin plus two twins equals triplets.”
“Wha’ever, minger.”
“Oh, I wish Pietro had never taught you that” said Adult Brain with a frown. “He really is a bad influence on you, Fun.”
“I think he brings out my best side, actually. But that’s not the point. I’m bored.”
“We only finished the book five minutes ago,” Clever Brain pointed out. “We haven’t even got up off the sofa yet. You have no attention span at all.”
“Come on, guys, cool down,” Adult Brain broke in. “You know how cranky the Human gets when you argue.”
Fun Brain giggled. “Beth’s funny when she’s cranky.”
“You wouldn’t think it was fun if you had to deal with all the paperwork”, Emotion Brain grumbled. “The Nervous System bods always have a mass of forms to fill out when she has one of her moments – requisitions for surplus adrenaline, post-facto permission for exceeding blood pressure allowances...”
“But she looks funny. You have to admit that she looks funny.”
Emotion Brain cracked a smile. “Yeah, it’s true. Like a petulant shrimp.”
A sound from the corner cut across the chuckles of general agreement, and the Brains all turned to see what had caused it. A slinky, well dressed figure waved languidly at them, with a smile at once shy and seductive.
“My God!” Clever Brain breathed. “It’s Knickers Brain!”
“KNICKERS! You’re back!” Fun screeched, running over to give the newcomer a big hug.
“Didn’t she leave on an extended holiday after that thing with the C…”
“Don’t say it!” Begged Emotion Brain. “You wouldn’t believe the admin you cause when one of us brings THAT to the Conscious Thought department’s notice.”
“Well, I’m back now,” said Knickers Brain. “I decided that enough is enough. Just because the Ca… the last one was a shit on a stick, doesn’t mean the Human should be a nun for the rest of her life. Bad for the mental health, if nothing else.”
Adult Brain looked sceptical. “That all sounds very noble, K, but be careful. You have a track record of making life difficult.”
“Quite right,” said Clever Brain in fervent agreement. “Like that time you and Tech got cosy and Beth nearly snogged a MacBook in PC World. The Botley Road is just not ready to see that level of debauchery.”
“Computers need love too,” Tech contributed, “that MacBook was a sexy little fox. And, let’s be honest, even an inanimate object would probably have been a step up from The Canadian…”
A distant rumble sounded from the corridor marked “Nervous System”. Emotion Brain groaned. “Now you’ve done it. I’d better go and wait for that paperwork.”

***

To mark Knickers Brain’s return, the Brains decided to hold a party with their Human. Adult Brain’s protestations that there was just too much work to get done before their meeting at the OUP the next week were shouted down, and Fun Brain was almost incoherent with excitement. The impending advent of the new Harry Potter Book only added to the festive mood. Tech Brain and Fun Brain had done the online shopping which, to Adult Brain’s chagrin, was heavy on alcohol and light on any serious nutrition.

“So, who have you invited to my party?” asked Knickers.
“Well,” Fun Brain told her, “we all had some input as to the guest list, and we hope you’ll approve. Of course, I had to ask Pietro and Gabriele…”
“One couple’s acceptable, I guess”, said Knickers, “and they’re both awfully cute.”
“I’m afraid that you won’t be happy with me. I asked Joe,” Tech Brain admitted. “He understands all my geek jokes; he’s, like, l337, man.”
“What the heck does that mean? And did it occur to you that he has possibly the most gorgeous girlfriend in the whole world? Who on earth am I going to flirt with at this party?”
“I think you’ll be happy with my choices,” Emotion Brain offered. “Julia’s just your type, and Greg has that marvellous hair.”
“Things are looking up!” Knickers Brain grinned. “I can see where I’m going to be concentrating my energies…”
“And I’ve asked James,” Clever Brain said. “He’s very good for the Human’s IQ.”
“Not to mention that he has gorgeous eyes, of course,” said Knickers. “I’m liking this guest list more and more.”
“I decided to ask Nick.” Adult Brain told Knickers. “The Human is sometimes actually vaguely rational with his influence.”
“He has a great line in puns, too,” Fun Brain added.
“And is definitely on my list of hot stuff,” Knickers Brain agreed. “I’m really looking forward to this party.”

The Brains sat back and waited for the Aural department to signal that the doorbell had rung.

***

Next time… The Brains meet The Simpsons, and Tech Brain gains control of the Reading department.