Episode 5: The Secret Seventh

It had been a stressful time for the Brains, and they were taking a well-deserved rest.
“Why do you allow her to acquire so much stuff, Fun?” Adult Brain asked accusatorily. “We have this problem every time she has to move – she looks at how much she has, realises it will never remotely fit into the space she has for it, and starts panicking…”
“…and I’m left with a ton of paperwork.” Emotion Brain finished for her. “It really is inconsiderate of you, Fun.”
Fun Brain looked injured. “It isn’t just me, you know. Clever’s responsible for most of the books, and they’re the main problem really. Though I will admit that the sock collection is getting slightly out of hand too.”
“Anyway,” Tech Brain added, “the Maternal Human’s coming up again to sort things out – she has a genius for tidying. I never realised that the bathroom actually had a floor until last time she was here.”
“Which is great, but you take it as an excuse to persuade the Human that she can read as much sci-fi as she likes and someone else will pick up the mess. It’s not on. Why couldn’t the tidiness impulse have been genetic?” Adult Brain lamented.
“It is.” Clever Brain said. “She just inherited the Paternal Human’s.”

***

Since the Human’s new living quarters were going to be rather smaller than her current place, the Brains had decided it would be a good idea to have a housecooling party before moving out. The Human had been set the task of baking cake and had taken to it with alacrity, and Dan had been drafted in to keep her company and serve as spoon-licker-in-chief. The preparations had all gone well, the guests had arrived, and there was much pizza and jollity.
“This is going well, I think,” Fun Brain said, leaning back in her chair happily. “She’s terribly happy to have Nick here to show off the new comics to, isn’t she?”
“She is,” agreed Clever Brain. “Tech and I really had a stroke of genius when we persuaded her into that field of research.”
“Hmmm…” said Adult Brain, darkly. “It’s distracting her rather too much from more important things, I think.”
“Pah! What could be more important than Japanese paedophile vampire kabuki dancers?” Fun Brain exclaimed. “And it’s making her quite happy, isn’t it, Emo?”
Emotion Brain did not reply, but sat, staring into space.
“Emo? I was asking, doesn’t the Japanese paedophile vampire ka…”
“Honestly, Fun, do you actually think I care?”
The Brains looked at each other in shock. Emotion Brain was the caring, nurturing, protective member of their group…
“I’m rather busy trying to win an argument about social responsibility for mass shootings at the moment, and I have a whole lot of humans to fight off, so shut up and let me concentrate.”
“Well, it’s an important issue,” Adult Brain conceded. “After all, we must emphasise the responsibility we all hold for such things, and…”
“You are such a bleeding liberal!” Emotion Brain exclaimed. “Do you really think that ‘my teacher was nasty to me’ is a good enough excuse for shooting a classful of people dead? These kids are just selfish and evil.”
“You can’t really believe that!”
“Well, I do. And I have far better people to argue with than you, so bugger off.”
The Brains left Emotion Brain locked in her argument, and congregated in a corner. Fun Brain was in tears, and Adult Brain looked grim.
“This is not right,” Tech Brain asserted. “Something is very seriously amiss. Look at her – she’s laughing at Julia now for calling James ‘humble’. It’s not like her – and James is the most humble person we know.”
“It’s as though she’s arguing for the sake of picking a fight…” said Adult Brain. “It’s just completely perverse.”
“Ah!” Clever Brain jumped up with a gleam in her eye. “Perverse is exactly what it is! I think I know what’s happening here – Emo’s possessed.”
Fun Brain looked terrified; “Like Satan or something?” she asked, wide-eyed.
“No, not quite. It’s something that I read about long ago – at times of stress, Brains are left weak and open to possession by a particularly nasty demon. He’s known as Perversion Brain. He has no Human of his own, but goes around parasitically living off other Brains. If you look at Emo carefully, you’ll see she looks a bit fuzzy around the edges? What you’re seeing is Perversion Brain…”
“I thought I needed a new prescription from Specsavers,” said Adult Brain. “So I suppose every cloud has a silver lining – it’s bloody expensive replacing glasses.”
“But in the meantime, Emo needs our help!” Fun Brain said, frantically. “She’s making the Human say stranger and stranger things. She’ll have alienated everyone by the end of the evening.”
“Leave it to me; I know what to do,” Tech Brain assured her. “I’ve seen it done by Gandalf – can’t be that hard…” He approached Emotion Brain, and suddenly a white staff appeared in his hand. He raised it above his head:
“Harken to me! I release you from the spell,” he said, in a commanding voice. Emotion Brain gave an unearthly laugh.
“You have no power here, Tech Brain! All your Brains are belong to us!” She continued her maniacal laughter. Suddenly, Tech Brain threw aside his cloak to reveal a shining white robe.
“I will draw you, Perversion Brain, as poison is drawn from a wound.” With this exclamation, he rushed at Emotion Brain and whacked her over the head with his staff. She fell back, and for a moment sat, stunned. Blinking her eyes, she looked at her friends in bemusement.
“What happened to me?” she asked.
“It’s a long story, Emo.” Adult Brain told her. “Suffice it to say that Tech Brain saved the day here.”
“I’m not sure that last whack on the head was strictly necessary…” Fun Brain looked reproachfully at Tech, who shrugged with the admirable insouciance of a hero.
“Just promise me one thing,” Knickers Brain said. They looked at her expectantly. “If I ever get taken over by Perversion Brain, don’t you dare exorcise me.”