Episode 6: A New Hope

Clever Brain was feeling pretty pleased with herself. Actually, that would be an understatement. Clever Brain was feeling smug as hell, rather like a large bear which has just tricked the local bees into going to Bethlehem for a census, leaving all the honey trees unattended for the foreseeable future. And has persuaded his favourite lady bear to come visit, bringing only her bathrobe and a set of kinky Japanese silk ropes, while his parents have gone on the annual bear pilgrimage to the Hundred Acre Wood and he has the whole den to himself. In fact, that only dimly expresses the exact level of smugness which Clever Brain was enjoying.

“Fellow-brains, I think we may permit ourselves a small celebration”, she announced from her throne-like beanbag in the corner of the room. “We have fought against the ultimate foe, and have overcome! Never again shall we be called upon to perform such feats of daring and courage, for never again shall we face such a predicament, such a crisis, such a... a...”

“PhD viva?” suggested Adult.

“Quite.” Clever agreed, triumphantly. “We stared the Great God Viva in the eye; we stared him down and he fell back into the dust!”

Adult whispered surreptitiously to Emo, “Did we remember to collect Clever’s valium?” Emo’s face displayed a clear “No”.

“No more shall we sweat under the yoke of footnote revision. No more shall we suffer the indignities of misspelling “Satan” as “Santa”. No more shall we... Yeekgh!!” She gave a small yelp, and slumped forwards.

“What the...?” Adult Brain looked around, surprised, only to see Tech Brain standing behind Clever, a defiant look on his face and a tazer in his hand.

“Ahem. Sorry ‘bout that. For the good of the whole community, you know”, he muttered, and slunk back off to his station, dealing with the huge flood of congratulatory emails that the Human was unaccountably called upon to answer.

Argument

Tech Brain speaks

Ah. There's nothing so satisfying as hearing of another human whose Clever Brain and Tech Brain are in such perfect harmony...

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Tech Brain Speaks

Episode 5: The Secret Seventh

It had been a stressful time for the Brains, and they were taking a well-deserved rest.
“Why do you allow her to acquire so much stuff, Fun?” Adult Brain asked accusatorily. “We have this problem every time she has to move – she looks at how much she has, realises it will never remotely fit into the space she has for it, and starts panicking…”
“…and I’m left with a ton of paperwork.” Emotion Brain finished for her. “It really is inconsiderate of you, Fun.”
Fun Brain looked injured. “It isn’t just me, you know. Clever’s responsible for most of the books, and they’re the main problem really. Though I will admit that the sock collection is getting slightly out of hand too.”
“Anyway,” Tech Brain added, “the Maternal Human’s coming up again to sort things out – she has a genius for tidying. I never realised that the bathroom actually had a floor until last time she was here.”
“Which is great, but you take it as an excuse to persuade the Human that she can read as much sci-fi as she likes and someone else will pick up the mess. It’s not on. Why couldn’t the tidiness impulse have been genetic?” Adult Brain lamented.
“It is.” Clever Brain said. “She just inherited the Paternal Human’s.”

***

Since the Human’s new living quarters were going to be rather smaller than her current place, the Brains had decided it would be a good idea to have a housecooling party before moving out. The Human had been set the task of baking cake and had taken to it with alacrity, and Dan had been drafted in to keep her company and serve as spoon-licker-in-chief. The preparations had all gone well, the guests had arrived, and there was much pizza and jollity.
“This is going well, I think,” Fun Brain said, leaning back in her chair happily. “She’s terribly happy to have Nick here to show off the new comics to, isn’t she?”
“She is,” agreed Clever Brain. “Tech and I really had a stroke of genius when we persuaded her into that field of research.”
“Hmmm…” said Adult Brain, darkly. “It’s distracting her rather too much from more important things, I think.”
“Pah! What could be more important than Japanese paedophile vampire kabuki dancers?” Fun Brain exclaimed. “And it’s making her quite happy, isn’t it, Emo?”
Emotion Brain did not reply, but sat, staring into space.
“Emo? I was asking, doesn’t the Japanese paedophile vampire ka…”
“Honestly, Fun, do you actually think I care?”
The Brains looked at each other in shock. Emotion Brain was the caring, nurturing, protective member of their group…
“I’m rather busy trying to win an argument about social responsibility for mass shootings at the moment, and I have a whole lot of humans to fight off, so shut up and let me concentrate.”
“Well, it’s an important issue,” Adult Brain conceded. “After all, we must emphasise the responsibility we all hold for such things, and…”
“You are such a bleeding liberal!” Emotion Brain exclaimed. “Do you really think that ‘my teacher was nasty to me’ is a good enough excuse for shooting a classful of people dead? These kids are just selfish and evil.”
“You can’t really believe that!”
“Well, I do. And I have far better people to argue with than you, so bugger off.”
The Brains left Emotion Brain locked in her argument, and congregated in a corner. Fun Brain was in tears, and Adult Brain looked grim.
“This is not right,” Tech Brain asserted. “Something is very seriously amiss. Look at her – she’s laughing at Julia now for calling James ‘humble’. It’s not like her – and James is the most humble person we know.”
“It’s as though she’s arguing for the sake of picking a fight…” said Adult Brain. “It’s just completely perverse.”
“Ah!” Clever Brain jumped up with a gleam in her eye. “Perverse is exactly what it is! I think I know what’s happening here – Emo’s possessed.”
Fun Brain looked terrified; “Like Satan or something?” she asked, wide-eyed.
“No, not quite. It’s something that I read about long ago – at times of stress, Brains are left weak and open to possession by a particularly nasty demon. He’s known as Perversion Brain. He has no Human of his own, but goes around parasitically living off other Brains. If you look at Emo carefully, you’ll see she looks a bit fuzzy around the edges? What you’re seeing is Perversion Brain…”
“I thought I needed a new prescription from Specsavers,” said Adult Brain. “So I suppose every cloud has a silver lining – it’s bloody expensive replacing glasses.”
“But in the meantime, Emo needs our help!” Fun Brain said, frantically. “She’s making the Human say stranger and stranger things. She’ll have alienated everyone by the end of the evening.”
“Leave it to me; I know what to do,” Tech Brain assured her. “I’ve seen it done by Gandalf – can’t be that hard…” He approached Emotion Brain, and suddenly a white staff appeared in his hand. He raised it above his head:
“Harken to me! I release you from the spell,” he said, in a commanding voice. Emotion Brain gave an unearthly laugh.
“You have no power here, Tech Brain! All your Brains are belong to us!” She continued her maniacal laughter. Suddenly, Tech Brain threw aside his cloak to reveal a shining white robe.
“I will draw you, Perversion Brain, as poison is drawn from a wound.” With this exclamation, he rushed at Emotion Brain and whacked her over the head with his staff. She fell back, and for a moment sat, stunned. Blinking her eyes, she looked at her friends in bemusement.
“What happened to me?” she asked.
“It’s a long story, Emo.” Adult Brain told her. “Suffice it to say that Tech Brain saved the day here.”
“I’m not sure that last whack on the head was strictly necessary…” Fun Brain looked reproachfully at Tech, who shrugged with the admirable insouciance of a hero.
“Just promise me one thing,” Knickers Brain said. They looked at her expectantly. “If I ever get taken over by Perversion Brain, don’t you dare exorcise me.”

Tech Brain Speaks

Hello, again. Living with my Human, I have become rather accustomed to irrationality and strange behaviour. So it's not often that anything strikes me as really crazy anymore.

But then, I saw this article. Apparently, the Chinese government has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without permission.

Suddenly, being afraid of taxis, chanting and clowns seems like perfectly normal behaviour.

Episode 4: A Spoonful of Sugar

“Wow! It feels like ages since we were here…” whispered Emotion Brain. “I can almost feel the Nostalgia Gnomes waking up.”
“I know,” said Clever Brain disapprovingly. “It’s been far too long. At this rate, she’ll still be ‘Ms’ when she’s 80.”
“Oh, that wouldn’t do,” Knickers Brain gasped. “I’m looking forward to the effect that ‘Dr.’ will have on people…”
“I wouldn’t hope too much, Knickers – clever women aren’t anyone’s idea of a good time,” Clever Brain warned her.
“But what about Carol Vorderman?” Knickers asked in astonishment. “I thought she was a major sex symbol.”
“You’ve been spending too much time with James! Anyway, will you all go away and let me get to work? I really need the Human to concentrate, which is impossible if she’s having sexual fantasies about random mathematicians. The library really isn’t the place for that kind of thing.”
“You might be surprised…” Knickers Brain smirked.

***

Adult Brain was despondent. The other Brains had noticed her listlessness and air of general disgust with life, and were speculating as to its cause.
“Did I forget to colour-code the rotas again?” asked Knickers Brain. “You know how annoyed she gets about that. Or maybe I didn’t include Indigo…”
“Indigo?” asked Fun Brain.
“Sixth colour of the rainbow,” Clever Brain informed her. “The Human likes things to be colour coded in the order of the rainbow. And she gets pretty irate when people forget Indigo.”
“Anyway, it isn’t that,” Tech Brain assured them. “I installed a program to check for inaccurate ordering of colours, and everything’s been running pretty smoothly since. Perhaps Adult’s annoyed at the amount of time the Human’s spending with the fun people.”
“It’s true she’s seen a lot of James and Julia recently,” said Fun Brain, “and I admit I encourage her in it. But Adult doesn’t really dislike them. Even she has to see the benefits in making sure the Human fills her laughing quota.”
“And there are other benefits, of course…” added Knickers Brain.
“Yes, we all know about your penchant for them,” Fun Brain winked at her. “Not to mention your penchant for Dan, and Nick, and Greg…”
“And anything with two legs, really,” Clever Brain concluded.
“Not so. I’m actually quite picky. Not my fault if I’m endowed with a human with remarkably attractive friends, is it?”
“Pleasant as this is, it doesn’t get us any closer to finding out what’s wrong with Adult,” Clever Brain pointed out.
“Actually,” said a voice from the corner, “if you really want to know, it’s all this bloody MESS.”
They all turned to look at Adult Brain, who had risen from the catatonic heap in which they’d left her and was looking wild-eyed and dishevelled.
“I’m at my wits’ end. The Human is just incapable of keeping tidy for more than five minutes unless I keep a constant hold on her, and recently you guys have all had your own agendas. I haven’t been allowed near the controls for ages. Tech, you’ve been making her spend all this time reading sci-fi, and Clever, you’ve had her getting the odd bit of work done. And as for you, Fun Brain…”
Fun Brain looked sheepish. “It’s true that I’ve been nudging her towards having a social life. But it’s very good for her. Remember what 2004 was like, when she lived in St. John’s? She spent all her time in her room, listening to audiobooks and devising ways to cook with only a kettle. It was maddening. Knickers Brain had to go on one of her holidays, and I was reduced to finding enjoyment in watching series after series of NYPD Blue.”
“But she was TIDY!” Adult Brain wailed. “And she did her work sensibly and went to classes and had wonderful colour-coded work timetables and got her degree. It was bliss. A golden age.”
“Well, excuse me if I prefer her when she’s not an eremitical nutcase.” Fun Brain disappeared in a sulk.
“I tell you what, Adult. Let’s make a deal,” Clever Brain suggested. “If you let us take the Human out to the pub tonight, we’ll all make a concerted effort to produce some tidying tomorrow.”
Adult Brain looked unconvinced. “You say that now, but you’ll let her stay up late again tonight, and tomorrow will be a write-off for any sensible activity. She’s not been well; she should have an early night with a mug of Horlicks if we’re going to do anything productive with her.”

Unfortunately for Adult Brain, as they’d been talking, Fun Brain had snuck off to the Motor Department, and the walk to the pub had already begun.

***

“Well, this is nice,” said Knickers Brain, lying back contentedly on her chaise-longue. “The Human’s surrounded by wonderfully beautiful people, and the conversation is making its usual descent into the gutter.”
“And in the gaps, Joe and James are talking about maths!” Tech Brain exclaimed. “Did you know that the prime number 91 is a factor of seven?”
“Bloody hell, she’s had alcohol, hasn’t she?” asked Adult Brain in despair. “Tech’s gone all squiffy.”
“The odd one won’t hurt,” said Emotion Brain. “And Dan’s here, anyway. She’ll stay sensible enough as long as he’s around.”
Fun Brain giggled; “Yeah, right! You idealise the poor boy.”
“Perhaps,” said Emotion Brain. “But at least she doesn’t flirt so outrageously with him… causes no end of paperwork, does that. The Eye Department alone…”
“Eye Department?” asked Fun Brain in bemusement.
“Oh yes – form BQ41z for excess pupil enlargement and BQ52k for eyelid fluttering. And that’s just the start of it.”
“You look exhausted at the mere thought, Emo. Perhaps we sh…” Fun Brain halted mid-sentence as a tremor ran through the room. “What the heck was that?”
“Oh shit…” said Emotion Brain. “I don’t know where it’s coming from, but the Human’s getting a massage…”
And, one by one, the Brains fell into a deep and peaceful sleep.